Holding onto nothingness…

As she looked up at him with uncertainty, she remembered how, at one point in her life, she was so certain about their future. Whenever he looked at her with those bright eyes, that gaze of him spoke of things unsaid. The truth that he simply loved the way she was, was so obvious by the way he used to treat her that she had no doubts on his feelings for her. She cherished that love for so long and blossomed under its glow with all those positive thoughts that kept her mind occupied – that God has bestowed upon her, the love that is not granted to everyone…that she is among those special people who are blessed with someone as special as they are… Someone who believes in loving someone the way they are…

While she was looking at him today, she was wondering if that was all illusion. Perhaps, he was just not being himself and rather someone else so that he could attain her attention? But was she that special that he’d put up efforts in attaining her attention? He always said that she was… special…but then why did he expect her to change? To not remain what she was? To become something she never wanted to be?

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She wanted to grab his collar and shake him up to bring him to senses. She wanted him to remember how openly they shared their life plans with each other. How outspoken she was about what she wanted to do in life and what life meant to her. Life meant freedom! Freedom of living the way one wants to live. Freedoms of letting everyone breathe freely and live their life their way. She shouted at him, “Remember we promised we will never come on the way of each others dreams and shall rather support each other to become what we want to become and to achieve what we wish to achieve? Remember that we promised to be each others’ support system? Each one of us, a ladder for each other to climb high and touch the sky… then what happened? Why did you break steps of that ladder that I needed? Why did you start speaking the language of the world? When I ran towards you to find protection in your arms… why did you turn it into a cage making it difficult for me to fly? Why did you cover it with norms of society to make it harder for me to breathe? Do you know how difficult it is to become a different person- a person I’d rather hate to be? Yet I was pushed to be what I didn’t want to be and you watched it all calmly telling me how I should change for good and be adaptable as life is not always a bed of roses… And I did.. But when I did, you started pointing out how difficult I have become to deal with. Didn’t you push me to become a different person? Didn’t you let me fall from the ladder all this time by breaking those steps I wanted to use to fly high and touch the sky? “ . She looked at him but the vision wasn’t clear… Perhaps it was due to the fog… Nevertheless, she waited for him to respond but he didn’t since he was unable to hear her cry.

She continued to scream with agony, “Now that I have become what I was expected to become – I am yet not satisfactory enough a being… I’m yet not acceptable… I am yet not bearable. And all this time that I fought in a war within, like a soldier striving to win for the rewards unknown and a destiny that looked like a dream. But then one needs something to hold onto to catch their dreams – I had none. I kept telling myself to keep trying hard, to avoid frustrating myself, to doing what I was expected to do. I pushed myself to the limits where I lost some parts of myself and I am still losing… But now when I look at us – I wonder – was it worthy or not?” He looked at her… This was not the same gaze that she was familiar and comfortable with… This was a gaze of a stranger who didn’t know what she was talking about or what she was going through. He left the room, leaving her behind to fight with her own self and to find answers to her long list of questions. She realized – she could never say it out loud and he never listened.

Unable to believe at what is happening is happening in real… She sat at one corner of her bed, switched on the lamp, took out her diary from the side drawer which she thought she no longer needed to share her secrets with, and picked up her pen that was longing to feel her touch. She wrote, “I am lingering somewhere in the middle of nowhere and there’s so much fog around that I can’t see the next step of the ladder that I climbed upon. Despite the fact that I have tried my best, I’m lost into nothingness and I’m unable to find a way out – my wings are so badly hurt that I can’t seem to be able to fly high… I can’t seem to be able to touch the sky! Where’s the justice?”

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